Born a girl but I've always been a boy

For Jay Murray it was being prepared to face possible ostracism from family and friends, to undergo years of hormone injections and painful surgery. And to steadfastly refuse to be what society had decided him to be.

In 1975 Jay was born a girl. Although, as he discovered while growing up, while physically he was female his mind and emotions were male.

“I’ve always been a boy,” he says matter-of-factly.

“I was aware of it from the age of about four or five, even though I was all long blonde hair and a cute smile.

“I went to Bournemouth school for girls and for years I was taught to be a girl.

“But I wanted to walk around with no T-shirt on, and play with Action Man...”

By the age of eight he knew he never wanted to get married or change his surname, and never regarded girls as competition.

To compensate, he ploughed himself into sporting activities to avoid people picking on him. Throughout his childhood he wore the female mantle like a badly-fitting jumper. Jay had boyfriends until the age of 21. But a turning point came when one proposed.

“I felt so wrong I came out as a lesbian. Well, I liked girls so I thought I must be gay.

“But that boyfriend had seen a programme about a trans person and commented on the similarities between us.”

Jay now faced an act of courage few individuals dare. Spurred on by the death of his beloved grandfather who had always taught Jay to be true to himself, the then 32-year-old knew he had to do something about his life.

“My GP referred me to a psychologist,” Jay explains.

“It usually takes six one-hour sessions for them to approve the transition process but mine lasted just 20 minutes! You have to prove you have lived as the opposite gender for one to two years before they can prescribe hormones.”

Measured, polite, and a fantastic raconteur, Jay talks about his subsequent journey with wit and warmth and a humbling openness.

“The emotional changes were quick and my voice dropped after just three injections.

“My monthlies stopped after eight weeks,” he punches the air with joy and his feeling of relief is palpable.

“I looked butch before but taking hormones redistributes the muscles and fats appropriately. My feet have even grown a size!

“I think it’s harder for the ladies,” (he’s referring to the male to female trans people) “because we can hide in the background.”

Jay hid his DD breasts as best he could, and speaks of his bilateral mastectomy as another would their wedding day.

“Losing my breasts on January 18, 2010 was one of the best days of my life,” he beams.

It’s compensation for the ‘puberty’ he is now going through (“I SO want to throw strops at the moment!), a hysterectomy three years ago and his mind having to constantly catch up with his physical transformation.

“I’ve had to re-learn everything I was taught for years as a girl.”

On the other hand Jay, who lives in Bournemouth, has a fascinating insight into the psyche of both women and men.

“Once I used to just think think think. Women can really over think a situation!

“But I’ve found I can’t multi task any more!”

While four years of testosterone hormones helped Jay look and sound male, he still wasn’t physically complete.

It takes three major operations to construct a phallus and Jay had the first one in March this year, at a specialist clinic in London.

“It lasted 11 hours. They took two strips of skin from my forearm plus an artery to provide feeling, and replaced it with flesh from my buttocks.”

An inbuilt urethra was created from hairless tissue. The new penis was attached, and future operations will make it look more realistic.

“It hurt – a lot – but I found I could deal with the pain as my head was in the right place. When I awoke from surgery I felt an inner calm and a sense of peace.”

In the midst of such openness, there are a couple of things he remains tight-lipped about. He never eludes to ‘when I was a girl’ instead: ‘The former me’ or ‘me before’.

His former name is also off-limits. “It was really girlie.

“The initial J in my current name is from my sister who passed away when I was eight. My middle name is my grandfather’s.”

Close family ties have eased the transition for Jay. His parents, being psychiatric nurses, could comprehend the situation perhaps more than others.

“Mum and dad are both fully on board, though it has been difficult for them and people around me. One distant family member disowned me.

“Parents of transpeople have to go through a grieving process.

“At first mum felt she had lost a daughter but now feels she has the same child in different packaging.”

Friends have also embraced Jay’s transition. “Although people who give me the most grief are lesbians,” he laughs.

“They think I’m a traitor!

“And straight girls think I’m gay as I have more empathy than other men.”

Legally, Jay is also fully male.

Following a ‘mountain of paperwork’ Jay has his Gender Recognition Certificate meaning he could apply for a new birth certificate and is entitled to get married as a man.

“It also protects you more with law, employment and hate crimes as it is a criminal offence for people to act with prejudice.

“We are still human beings. We have the same hang ups and needs – we still need to be treated with respect.”

His aim now is to become a support worker and mentor young people with gender identity issues – which affect around 20 people in 100,000.

Of these, 80 per cent are male to female and 20 per cent female to male.

“What saddens me is that the average age to trans is 42. That’s a lot of wasted years. I, too, spent far too long playing the role of someone I wasn’t.

“All my life I searched for a pigeon hole. Now I’ve found one I don’t really need it.

“You just have to be proud of who you are.”

• Information and support on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues is available from Over The Rainbow, 27 St Michaels Road, Bournemouth, Dorset, BH2 5DP, 01202 257478. Rainbowbournemouth.co.uk
• Bourne Free, Bournemouth’s Pride Festival takes place today and tomorrow. Bournefree.co.uk

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