DESPITE celebrating devotion fit to make Shakespeare weep, Valentine’s Day seems to encourage more self-doubt than any other holiday in the calendar.
For the lovers, cue wagons of worriers searching frantically for the perfect gift: too expensive? Not expensive enough? Looks desperate? Will he like it? Won’t she?
For the recently re-acquainted with single life, there’s nothing quite like Valentine’s Day to wipe the smile clean off a brave face: Do they have someone else to share today with? Will there ever be another person I love like that?
Even the most comfortable singleton is hard pressed not to ponder in the face of rioting red roses: Is there someone out there somewhere for me?
But 39 year old neuro-linguistic programming master practitioner Jon Thompson from Ashley Cross in Poole is inviting people to ask some new and entirely different questions.
“Throughout our lives we are encouraged to believe that there is a Prince or Princess Charming somewhere ‘out there’ who will complete us as a person.
“Valentine’s Day with all its idealistic sentiments perpetuates the myth of the fairytale relationship where we will become miraculously happy by finding ‘the one’.” Jon explains.
The bad news for princesses and princes holed up in ivory towers awaiting rescue is that a fairytale ending is essentially flawed.
Jon says: “Until you can truly like and love yourself, it is unfair to ask another person to, because your fears and doubts will undermine their attempts.
“When we seek ‘rescue’, or reassurance and acceptance, from others we usually become overly reliant on our rescuer, leading to all sorts of complications. Mistrust and fear of abandonment are particularly common in these kinds of relationships.”
But while fairytale rescues may belong only in stories, the truth, Jon argues, is far more exciting.
Asking the right questions can lead into a path of vivid self discovery, placing singles and those in relationships alike in firm control of their very own ‘happily ever afters’.
Jon says: “None of us can control how other people act or what life throws at us, but we do always have a choice about how we feel and respond. Neuro-linguistic programming, or ‘NLP’, techniques help us make the choices that ultimately lead to true happiness from within rather than searching endlessly for an external fix.
“This allows relationships to grow on a firm foundation of mutual support and affection,” says Jon.
Rather than collapsing into negative thinking this Valentine’s Day, Jon is actively encouraging the public to use NLP techniques to turn nagging questions and self doubts into useful affirmations, breaking down negative self-beliefs.
Jon explains: “Rather than asking ‘why am I on my own today?’ take a minute or two to choose a positive statement such as: ‘I choose to be happy on my own’ and repeat it for one minute. You will be amazed at how much you will start to feel better. That’s because you have started breaking down the old belief system that to be happy you need someone else to ‘complete’ you.
“Taking it one step further, ask how can I show myself I love myself? Think about how you show love to others, and then think about how you could do the same for yourself. It might mean talking to yourself kindly, forgiving yourself or recognising that you do look good in that outfit you’re wearing.
“This doesn’t mean being selfish, it means taking time to replenish your energies and care for yourself before you look to other people.”
Even for those already in relationships, Jon likens loving yourself to the first safety rule on an aircraft: always put on your oxygen mask before you try to help anyone else with theirs.
He says: “If you are gasping for breath, you will not be able to help anyone do anything, let alone save their life. NLP can be that oxygen mask, it can help you breathe and really be alive to the potential within yourself. “ While cynics may dismiss Jon’s ideas as hippy jargon, it is extremely difficult not to be drawn in to the inner calm and happiness Jon radiates. He argues he is living proof of the NLP system that gets results.
“I was at a point in my life five years ago where a failed marriage, a failed business and massive debts had really taken their toll. I was depressed and didn’t want to bring others down, which led me to become quite isolated. I wanted something that could help me to feel better, and fast.
“I was invited to a workshop held by NLP guru Tony Robins. 8,000 people attended. By closing time, to my knowledge, every person had found it within themselves to walk barefoot across burning hot coals. That was a life changing experience.”
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