Things came to a bit of a head last week, I have been feeling so low, I'd been thinking it was just the time of year, the miserable weather etc.

Most people feel low in January but I have realised that what I'm feeling is more than that.

The constant nausea that I'm now experiencing for the whole of the 3 week chemo cycle is really getting me down. I have always really loved my food, I like to try different foods & going out for dinner was my favourite treat.

That has all changed, I struggle to eat anything healthy, I resent spending money on a meal out knowing that so much will be wasted and I feel bad encouraging the girls to finish their vegetables when I can't eat any of mine.

I have also been experiencing an itching of my upper body, one night I scratched myself in my sleep so much I made myself bleed. It's horrible.

But the main problem is that I just have no motivation, I just can't be bothered to do anything. I want to make the most of my time, now that I'm not working, I want to do something to be proud of.

At the day centre last week I sat in my chair the whole day, reading & dozing. That's all I feel like doing everyday. Thankfully the girls force me into some sort of action but it's really tough.

I was able to talk to my Oncology Dr and my Macmillan nurse last week, the Dr has prescribed yet another anti-sickness drug and some anti-histamine, apparently hypersensitivity can develop if you are on a long term drug regime. And my Mac nurse suggested asking my GP to increase my anti-depressants.

Initially I felt reluctant to go down that route but I have realized that I need a bit of help. I feel so disappointed that it's come to this, I had been dealing with things so well, we had such a fantastic summer, but things have been going down hill for a few months now.

The problem with this course of action is all the new drugs, even on their own can cause tiredness so you can imagine how taking them together makes me feel, the first few days I just couldn't get out of bed.

But, that seems to have passed now, I am making myself get up and do the school run, I am feeling less sick and I am trying to find some projects to fill my time. I know I have to take responsibility for getting better and am prepared to do so.