If only Christmas had been a month early this year. We’d all be sitting in front of the telly now eating leftover turkey sandwiches and the Quality Street in blue and pink wrappers watching some old movie.

Outside the snow would be deep and crisp and even and the kids would be sledging down Dorset hills on old tin trays. As it is there’s still a month to go.

Away from our centrally-heated homes it’s jolly chilly. Northern roads are blocked with snow, Brighton roads are icy because the council hasn’t bought new gritters since last winter’s freeze but a spokesman said they will be ready “in time for next year”.

Down here our roads are lightly dusted with frost and as usual we haven’t had any snow worth talking about.

Of course I’m writing this on Sunday night, so by the time you read it on Tuesday that might have changed.

The Piddle, Stour, Avon, Test and any number of streams in between might have frozen over. Roads may be impassable after a mega fall of snow on Monday.

Supermarket shelves might be empty. There might be queues for bread and milk.

And as if that isn’t bad enough we’ve all still got to get ready for Christmas. Or Winterval (thanks Birmingham Council for that idea) or the Winter Night Light Festival (Thanks Dundee).

Actually thinking about the night light festival makes me think that perhaps all the people of Dundee got out those tea lights they must have bought from a well-known Swedish furniture retailer.

You must have some in your cupboard under the stairs. It’s the law.

Imagine if we all adopted the Winter Night Light Festival and lined up our unwanted candles in pretty designs.

We could light them as darkness fell and create a lovely glowing wonderland.

All in praise of the sun or the moon or some other pagan object (Billy bookcase maybe, to continue the Ikea theme!).

I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear Wizzard singing I Wish It Could Be Winterval Every Day, or Kim Wilde and Mel Smith Rocking Around the Tree Which We Have Decorated to Celebrate Winter Solstice.

So let’s stick with Christmas, if only to stop Elvis having an even bluer time. Having decided that, here are my top five tips with (assuming you read this on Tuesday, November 30) just 25 days to go.

1. Don’t worry about overeating. Wait for Ann Widecombe’s dance DVD to help the festive pounds fall off.

2. Leave your brussel sprouts outside so that they are softened by the frost. Then leave them a few days longer before putting them in the bin. Sprouts are the devils food.

3. If you don't have children yet, but are thinking of starting a family try and plan it so the little treasures are born on Christmas day. This will save you a fortune in presents and ensure there's no need for expensive parties.

4. If you’ve got kids don’t buy presents. Just but empty boxes big enough for the kids (and the cats) to hide in. Wrap them up in shiny paper and wahey, as they say, you’ve got a gift to keep them quiet for hours.

5. This one’s a bit specific, but if you’re looking for a pantomime to entertain the family my nine-year-old daughter is in Wimborne’s Dick Whittington and His Cat. You recognise her because, if she’s anything like when she’s at home she’ll not be ready when her cue arrives and there’ll be a cry of “just a minute” as she rushes to get ready. (Just kidding, Em!)

Merry Winterval everybody.