I got my lastest CT scan results on Wednesday and I am thrilled to report things are still stable.

This was such a huge relief, my mind had been playing all sorts of tricks on me. I'd been coming up with theories like - things have been stable for 9 months now which is how long it was stable before between treatments, or - how I'd had such a great summer that was a 'final fling' before bad news.

The Macmillan psychologist explained that it's human nature to try to rationalise situations that are beyond our control, that makes sense I guess - I'm just so glad I got it wrong! I don't know what's wrong with me though because I can't seem to stop thinking about death & dying.

I feel really scared again, the thing that scares me the most is not being able to protect the girls. I guess all mothers have that fear but at least most mothers expect to be around which would make protecting their kids easier. I am so scared that once I'm gone I'll lose that control. What if there is an afterlife and I can see what's going on back here and it's not good? God, what crazy, morbid thoughts but I feel consumed by them at the moment. I'm seeing the psychologist again this week so I'll talk things through - but then I'll have to be prepared to feel emotionally drained.

It's weird, I know I need to be enjoying myself and making the most of the time that I'm healthy, but it is so exhausting putting on a brave face all the time to the outside world and I know I take things out on Kev when it all gets too much, he finds that hard to deal with because I seem fine & then lash out. I need to learn to release the tension in some other way & make my time with my family happy & relaxed.

My pension money has come through so we've booked a holiday to Gran Canaria. We go in six weeks! I am so excited and am really looking forward to some good quality family time. The girls are so excited about going on a plane - I hope they enjoy it or it could make coming home a bit tricky! I'm really looking forward to being able to do this with the girls, to see them experience their first flight & foreign holiday, this time last year I wouldn't have dared dream that it would be possible.

I know my situation is s**t and this is really hard to get straight in my head because when I'm in a 'glass is half empty' mood I can't help but feel the treatment is just prolonging the agony but when I'm in a 'glass is half full' mood I am so thankful for the extra time I've been given and for all the wonderful things I'm experiencing. Thankfully - the glass is half full more often than half empty most of the time for me at the moment.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month so I would like to urge all of you (men & women) to be 'Breast Aware' and if you are able to dig deeply there are many worthwhile breast cancer charities that rely on the generosity of the general public to fund their life saving work.