AND so we’re off, with a match that encapsulates England’s traditional World Cup showings: massive early expectation, schoolboy mistakes, and ultimate disappointment.

It started well, of course, and when Gerrard slotted home against a surprisingly lacklustre USA, England looked set for an easy three points.

The poor performance of the Americans merely underlined how bad England ultimately were, unable to find any cohesion. Capello, famed for his ability to send out well-organised teams, seems to have forgotten himself in the excitement of his first World Cup.

Still, it’s not his fault. Who, for instance, would have imagined that Gerrard and Lampard cannot play together? Apart from ALL THE OTHER MANAGERS who’ve tried it?

And why not keep your choice of goalkeeper to yourself for as long as possible, so that the man you eventually send out is a nerve-addled clown who probably didn’t expect to play?

Good work, Fabio. At least you didn’t keep playing specialist right-wingers down the left-hand side though, did you? What’s that? Oh.

Gerrard’s comments after the game were telling. “We’ve all got to get behind Robert” he said after Green’s howler. Good idea, Stevie. The more men on the line the better, after that display.

The only worse performance than Green’s came in the ITV commentary box, which fully deserves to be drowned out by vuvuzelas.

Quite how flapping at a weak near-post shot so it hits your slack-wristed hand and bounces off the upright, then flies across the goal where anyone could have put it in, but fortunately didn’t, makes up for throwing the ball over the line, only the “expert pundits” can explain.

Still, first games are always nervy, mustn’t lose affairs, and even highly-rated Argentina looked less than impressive in their 1-0 win over Nigeria earlier in the day.

The USA game was one of those we could always have lost and still qualified, and if England play to even half their potential in the next two games they’ll win with ease.

And at least if our only world-class player has an off-day or is marked out of the game again, we’ve got 7-goals-in-55-games marksman Emile Heskey to bang them in instead.

I wonder if Doctor Who qualifies as English? He looked better than any of our players in last night's episode.

Anyway, what price Germany in the second round now…?