FOR as long as I've kept a journal I have always made an entry on New Year's Day, some years it's the only entry I've made, this year I imagine it will be the first of very many!

The past year has been pretty unbelievable, not the sort of stuff you could make up. In previous NYD entries I used to write a summary of the past year and mention key events, it is hard to think past chemo, cancer and mortality, however 2009 was a very special year for so many other reasons - my big girl started school, I was such a proud Mummy seeing her go off on her first day and feel so happy now to know that she loves it as much as I thought she would. We welcomed baby Thom into our family and I saw my best friend become a wonderful Mummy too.

Because of my cancer we have had some wonderful opportunities and 2009 will go down as a pretty memorable year for so many reasons, good and bad.

Usually on New Year's Day I feel low because it marks the end of the holiday season and things have to get back to normal, this year though I have had a lovely day, we've been busy and are still in the festive mood, I feel ready to get back to normal, get the decorations down and the new toys put away (old ones taken to a charity shop!) I can honestly say I have had an amazing Christmas, the feeling that we had to make the most of it and make it special because it could be my last was forgotten by Christmas Eve - it was a very special Christmas because it was filled with special people, we had real fun with no effort put into it. The girls were thoroughly spoiled as usual and loved every minute, they had lots of lovely presents and were generally well behaved and happy throughout. They have been sleeping in until 8.30am which has been an extra treat for Kev & I.

It's very hard to describe how I feel now and have been feeling this week, it's like a cloud has been lifted, I know nothing has changed but it's like I have truly realised that I do have to make the most of what time I have and if I constantly think about that then I'm not totally enjoying myself - does that make sense? I have been left alone by health professionals, no visits from Macmillan, no counselling sessions, no online support group (I did have to go to Ward 10 for Herceptin but they treat me like part of the furniture now so that wasn't a problem) and I think it's done me good - it's like life is 'normal' again. I know things will change again when Leah is back at school & Kev properly back at work because we will get back to the usual routine and I will need to rely on Mum more again but for the holidays it has been amazing and I want to keep hold of that feeling for as long as possible