July 21, 2009:

Just had my counsellor here for two hours!

When she arrived I thought I had been feeling OK for the last few days but I ended up crying and crying.

I am sick of being brave and positive. It’s exhausting but I’m scared of letting people down.

I don’t ever want the girls to think I didn’t do my damnedest.

I have to stay positive to give me a longer better life, I have to keep going because of the girls, I have to start doing more exercise and housework because there’s no reason why I can’t.

But I just can’t be bothered and am so fed up of life like this.

I make a martyr of myself by worrying about other people all the time – I can’t be sad because it’s not fair on anyone else.

I can’t cry because Kev doesn’t like it. I can’t stay in bed because the girls don’t like it.

I can’t leave the housework because it’s not fair on Mum.

Well what about me? What about the fact that all I want to do is hide under my duvet and NEVER come out? What’s the point?

I’m supposed to be pleased by the recent news that all is stable but why should I be bloody pleased?

Now it’s just prolonging the agony, I’m still gonna die and quite soon. I still don’t have a proper future with my family.

So why, why, why drag it out?

I don’t have long enough to get back to normal so what am I supposed to do?

Nikki is letting us publish this journal to raise awareness and funds for Cancer Research. She's set a target of £1,000. To donate, click the logo below