Wednesday July 15, 2009: I’ve just been out for dinner with work – it was a weird evening, I’ve not seen some of them for months but it was lovely.

We were celebrating a 50th birthday and a 40th birthday so there was a lot of talk about getting old.

I was aware that I was feeling odd knowing I probably won’t get to celebrate these milestones but it was fine.

In the car on the way home Heather asked if I felt it difficult and, as I said to her, of course it’s difficult but I wanted to see everyone, I know what we were celebrating so I was prepared and I don’t want people worrying about what they say in front of me.

I feel awful for getting upset when Leanne was talking about how hard teenagers are and said "you wait til yours are this age". I hate that I made her feel bad and so now try to be prepared for that when I’m with others.

I think (and hope I’m wrong) that I may have made others uncomfortable by talking about not being around and death quite a lot in a very open way.

It doesn’t upset me so much now – again it’s thinking about leaving Kev and the girls that makes me cry.