I AM not the strong personality I used to be. I know this because my father taught me that you can judge a man's character by his handshake. I made sure that I shook hands with a grip that would not have disgraced Conan the Barbarian.

Over the years, the stifled screams of acquaintances and the distant sight of them ducking into doorways led to me developing a more enlightened take on the perfect grip. I eased up on the bonecrusher before the writs arrived.

These days, however, the handshake dilemma has been superseded by the greetings kiss. A survey has revealed that one in five people has accidentally clashed faces. One in five? That's a ridiculously small proportion. I can personally claim to have battered the conks of half Europe, leaving many a victim with nostrils looking like a cross between Cyrano de Bergerac and Ricky Hatton's sparring partner.

So what should you do on greeting friends and relatives? Some people, would you believe, jump in with a kiss even if you saw them quite recently. Why Great Aunt Bertha planted a kiss on me last year even though we'd last met as recently as 1999.

Should you kiss one cheek or two? Or three? (And, no, the third isn't that one.) And then there's the left or right issue. Which do you target first?

What about those presumptuous people who greet you with a kiss on your stiff upper lip, invading personal space?

And what do you do when your friend kisses you and then introduces you to her friend? Do you kiss her, too?

The advice when in doubt is to shake hands. If cornered, I'd favour a light skim that is one notch up from kissing air. Never attempt a "mwoah!" of a smacker on the lips.

And certainly not when arriving for a job interview.