I HAVE an image of me lying on a sun lounger, shades on, sipping a cold drink, without a care in the world.

The sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view. The birds are singing and all’s right with the world.

But that’s the point. It’s an image. It’s far removed from the reality.

Come summer, I’ll be toiling as usual, while it feels like the rest of the world is taking it easy. Just chillin’.

For a start, there’s the garden to sort. I need a scythe to cut through the jungle before I can begin mowing.

Perhaps I should borrow Ross Poldark’s (Aidan Turner). (See it’s not a gratuitous use of the photo on the right.)

Then it’s on to get that grass cut.

There should be a law stopping people from mowing their lawn more than five times a week, because that would at least give me a fighting chance against my neighbours.

No matter how hard I try, it still looks a mess. Indeed, it feels like the grass is springing back up as soon as the blade goes across it. And don’t get me started on daisies, weeds and thistles.

Although I might have a self-satisfied smile when I have completed the task, the look of disdain from passers-by tells the true story.

“My goodness, is that the best he can do? I can’t believe it’s taken him three hours and it doesn’t even look like he’s cut it,” they think as they stroll past.

For them, the ‘bowling green’ look on their lawns is achieved in what appears to be nano-seconds. Trimmed and manicured better than any fingernail, their luscious green lawns sparkle in the sunlight. Mine is a sort of dark yellow.

Of course, the trauma doesn’t end there. My garden is host to a number of creatures that have now discovered daylight as I’ve hacked into the undergrowth.

I’m okay with spiders, woodlice and most creepy crawlies. However, I’ve discovered some new insect species, which I can’t place. A large beetley-earwiggy, caterpillary-type thing once emerged from a border. I haven’t a clue what it was and unfortunately, I didn’t keep it for Sir David Attenborough.

But the absolute worst has to be wasps. The chances are I’ll find a nest somewhere. And they get pretty annoyed when you disturb them with a trowel.

So perhaps it’s best to give up on gardening for a while and get some exercise in the fresh air. There’s nothing like a brisk jog near a river.

Unfortunately, a mouthful of midges later, I’m not so sure. What is it with these flying insects? You can come round a corner and get hit with a whole cloud of them.

And then there’s flying ants, mosquitoes and of course, the ‘clown insect’ – daddy long legs. They really should work out what they are supposed to be doing.

Birds can also be hazardous. Seagulls like to dive bomb me if I accidentally go near any of their nests.

It’s no fun on a boiling hot day being chased down the street by a flapping, angry bird.

The answer has to be to get away from it all. To go somewhere quiet and peaceful. A rural idyll.

Unfortunately, on a steaming hot day everyone else has the same idea. We all load up our cars and head off somewhere scenic to enjoy the balmy weather. and get stuck in a traffic jam.

That’s when you find the aircon you meant to fix a couple of months ago doesn’t work.

If you wind down the windows, the chances are anything flying by – an insect, a bird or a bat – are going to end up in your vehicle and they’ll be an absolute nightmare to get rid of.

Obviously, you’ll have to pull over to deal with the matter and it can take you ages to get back into the traffic queue from a layby.

No, the answer is to go home, go back inside, shut the windows, lock the doors, draw the curtains and pray for winter.

n There’s also plenty of reasons to stay inside and watch TV during the summer months. A large number of people will be glued to Love Island and the World Cup.

And there’ll be record viewing figures when we’re in the final. (I can dream, can’t I?)

But both series will have to go some to top the highs of Britain’s Got Talent. A great series with a deserved winner.

Lost Voice Guy – the victor – and Robert White – the runner-up – proved there are some top talents out there.

There are times when I despair at the standard of some stand-up comedians on TV. But these two have restored my faith in the genre. No foul language, but good observational humour with a twist. Keep it up, guys.