WELCOME to 2018. It’s sure to be a year of highs and lows, joys and groans. In fact, just like 2017 but it looks better as a figure. Write it down and you’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, here are my (not so serious) predictions for the forthcoming year.

JANUARY: Storm Donald hits Mexico. Trump, that is. Temperatures in the UK dip to -2C. Government advisors say everyone should stay inside until the summer. Schools stay shut for the rest of the year. An MP apologises to the House of Commons for staying faithful to his wife of 30 years.

FEBRUARY: Health tsars announce a crackdown on snacks. Crisps will be renamed crisp as in one crisp per packet. Prices stay the same. Storm Godfrey strikes the UK and it has to be said is rather pleasant for the time of year.

MARCH: NHS bosses announce a National Lottery-style scheme for people to pay into. The winner gets a hospital bed. Theresa May still insists “Brexit means Brexit”. BBC’s new £100m costume drama is ridiculed for its lack of mumbling. One viewer said: “It was a shambles. I could hear every word that was said.”

APRIL: Government announce a new money-spinner. Anyone can name a storm for a fee. EU says the UK doesn’t know whether it wants a “hard, soft or lukewarm Brexit with a side salad ”. The weirdly-named Storm Politician strikes. It goes north, then south, then east, then west and then blows itself out. Weather experts dismiss it as ‘a lot of hot air’.

MAY: Government says it won’t name the next storm “Stormy McStormface” despite overwhelming public support. Bristol City beat Man City 11-0 to lift the FA Cup. Pep blames “fixture congestion” for defeat. The only month without a storm as Prince Harry marries Meghan Markle to a record TV audience. (Who says I haven’t got a heart?)

JUNE: England crash out of the World Cup. Bristol City manager Lee Johnson takes over as boss. Tony Blair and Lord Adonis join forces to fight Brexit. UK sizzles in record temperatures. Weather forecasters say it’ll be a barbecue summer.

JULY: ‘Monsoon season’ hits UK. Record rainfalls for the month. Struggling Theresa May announces snap general election. She says: “Brexit means Brexit. What does that mean? I can’t make head nor tail of it. Perhaps someone else should give it a go.” Pollsters predict a Corbyn landslide. Brenda from Bristol says she’s thrilled there’s another election.

AUGUST: Corbyn tells a radio journalist everyone can have a 4X4, holiday in the US and a four-bed house if he’s elected. When he’s asked: “Where’s the money coming from?” Corbyn says his figures are in a laptop and he’s forgotten where he put it. England beat World Cup winners Iceland 2-0 in Lee Johnson’s first game in charge. Storm Khaleesi lasts until the end of the year or at least a season of Game of Thrones.

SEPTEMBER: Corbyn wins election, but only just. He can form a government with the SNP. A resurgent UKIP and Lib Dems get 50 per cent of the vote and no seats. Channel Four announce new show, Celebrity Sardines, where famous people are squeezed into a cupboard for a week. Blair secures a second vote on Brexit. He says the question is simple: “Vote to stay in the EU or we send the boys round.”

OCTOBER: Celebrity Sardines is a big hit with the viewing public as 20m tune in. Last-minute entrant Ed Balls wins, claiming it was ‘harder than Strictly’. Corbyn says he’s found his laptop. It was in the boot of the car between the out-of-date road map of the UK and the big bottle of screen wash. He then admits: “I didn’t realise we owed that much. Do you realise how much debt we’re in? It’s horrendous. Sorry, we can’t afford all those things. I’ll have to go back to the country.” Brenda from Bristol is ecstatic about another general election. There’s a landslide victory for Brexit in the second vote. Blair says: “I haven’t given up. They obviously didn’t understand the question.”

NOVEMBER: Corbyn and May are shock entrants on the new series of Strictly. Health experts say fatty foods and cream cakes are good for you and salads are “evil”. Claims that they had the chart up the wrong way for the last 40 years are denied. Blair sells a few homes and buys the under-fire BBC. He announces: “It will still be the BBC, but this time Blair Broadcasting Company.”

DECEMBER: May beats Corbyn in close Strictly final. Bruno Tonioli says her Paso Doble was the best he’d seen on the show. Fellow panellist Craig Revel Horwood gives it a two. May then wins general election after saying we need “a strong and stable government” and “Brexit means Brexit”. She says Brexit will now be her main focus in 2019.