WHAT a turbulent year it’s been. And here are my tongue-in-cheek predictions for 2019.

JANUARY

Theresa May is still sticking with “it’s my deal, or no deal or no Brexit”. But now adds: “...or a quarter pound of sausages.” After much pressure, she agrees to a People’s Vote on the subject.

The BBC says it is “truly value for money” and proposes a hike in the licence fee to £600 a year.

A fatcat is blasted for a £2bn a year increase in his salary. Newspapers discover he said on social media:”I hope the Press don’t find out about the rise in my pension benefits, shares and perks.”

The government repeats: “It’s the end of austerity”.

FEBRUARY

A quarter pound of sausages wins the People’s Vote. Alistair Campbell says: “It’s pretty obvious people didn’t understand what they were voting for.”

The BBC says the licence fee increase will enable it to broadcast even more “high-quality repeats”.

The fatcat is blasted for saying he “can’t be expected to live on just a £2bn a year increase”.

The government announces it is to bring back the bobby on the beat.

MARCH

Brexiteers are unhappy with a quarter pound of sausages. Jacob Rees- Mogg says: “We will probably end up with chipolatas, not proper English pork sausages. I’m sorry, but it’s half a pound of sausages or no deal.”

The BBC says it will remake comedy classic Fawlty Towers, except this time round Manuel runs the hotel and the “Don’t mention the war” episode will be changed. It will be “Don’t mention Brexit”.

Angry police chiefs slate the government’s bobby on the beat promise. They say they didn’t realise it would be just the one bobby on the beat for the whole country.

APRIL

The EU are unhappy with the sausages proposal. Brexit negotiators say: “It’s obvious Bratwurst is best.”

The new look Fawlty Towers is a ratings disaster. The BBC confesses it has no plans to make any new comedy shows. Critics claim it hasn’t been doing that for the past 10 years.

Media inquiries find out that the fatcat’s firm are paying just £2.50 an hour and workers do a 12-hour shift with no breaks. The fatcat says: “Thanks for telling me that. I’ll have to look at it. I didn’t realise I was being so generous”.

MAY

Boris Johnson says he didn’t know “sausages were on the table, or even in the kitchen.” He said Theresa May was “jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire” and the media were “cooking up a storm” over it. He added the only way forward was a Full English.

JUNE

Because of the confusion over Brexit, another People’s Vote is granted. This time a Full English wins.

The CGI movie is tipped for best Oscar and BAFTAs a-plenty. There’s no plot, no characterisation, no acting, just special effects and noise for three hours.

JULY

Alistair Campbell concedes that the People’s Vote isn’t working. Alternatives include the People’s Vote of Judea and The Judean People’s Vote.

With renewed interest sparked in the film Life of Brian, the BBC says it wishes to remake it, but this time with a female lead and called Life of Brienne.

AUGUST

The government says all this talk of sausages and Full English has added to the obesity problem and promptly slaps a 25 per cent tax on all meat.

It also says it is listening to what police chiefs have to say and says the bobby on the beat can now have a bike.

SEPTEMBER

Theresa May says after tough negotiations she has secured “an unbelievable deal” for the UK :”One prime beef sausage with herbs and spices added”. Jeremy Corbyn says it is “unbelievable” and says he would have got French Fries with it.

OCTOBER

Jacob Rees-Mogg says we shouldn’t have French Fries. “What’s wrong with good old fashioned British chips with fish, of course.”

NOVEMBER

Following Jacob Rees- Mogg’s outburst, Mrs May is reminded about negotiations on the UK’s fishing rights.

DECEMBER

Theresa May says we’ve run out of time to get a deal this year “because of all these stupid debates about food.”

The government answers pleas by handing the bobby on the beat a puncture repair kit for his bike. It’s rumoured he might even get a pump next year.