The Big Em & M Challenge has now raked in more than £1,000

I was going to get up early, have a healthy breakfast and then go for lots of long, bracing walks in the Cotswolds.

But having just flown in from Sardinia, where we’ve had pretty much constant sunshine since June, I forgot that I was at the mercy of the British weather.

The constant winds and rain, coupled with my dodgy ankle , meant that we spent considerably more time in our rented holiday barn than we originally intended.

That might have thwarted our plans for spending lots of time in the fresh air. However, in the scheme of things, it actually turned out much better than I could have anticipated.

With the rain lashing down outside, we decided that we’d be better of inside, lighting the wood burner, munching on crumpets, drinking mugs of proper Italian coffee and enjoying chocolate brownies that had been left in the Welcome Pack for us.

Or, to put it simply, we were forced to unwind.

I’d even go so far as to say that it was the first time I’d relaxed, properly relaxed, since my brother died three-and-a-half years ago.

Of course, I’ve been away other times in that period. I’ve been on holiday to Austria twice, I’ve gone to Liverpool, Milan, Rome, Barcelona, Umbria, London, and Warwickshire and spent hours lying on white, sandy beaches in the Med and swimming in sparkling turquoise sea.

But nothing has de-stressed me as much as this weekend. Now that I’m ensconced at mum and dad’s, I’ve been trying to place exactly what is was that made those snatched days away just so special.

Not being able to get a phone signal helped, as did having a down duvet and pillows so inviting you didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. It was as if I was forced to snuggle down and surrender to the sleep I desperately needed to catch up on.

But, more than anything, it was the company. My friend Amy has been there for me since the day I texted her to tell her Matt had killed himself. She’s been in constant contact even when she was stressed herself, she’s had me to stay when I wasn’t amusing or fun to be with and she’s not put any pressure on me to talk when I haven’t wanted to.

Being able to be myself without anyone skirting around the subject of suicide even when I know they’re desperate to mention it or not-so-subtlely starting at me in an attempt to figure out how I’m really doing is refreshing.

And yet, there was one thing which made the weekend even more special and that was waking up on the Sunday morning to discover that The Big Em & M Challenge has now raked in more than £1,000.

Somehow it was the breakthrough that was needed because in the past three days people have donated £85 in online and offline sponsorship, meaning that the total now stands at £1,082.

One of the most special donations that came in this week is the £5 from a stranger. The poignant message on my Virgin Money Giving page stated: “I have lost a sister to suicide and a daughter who passed away at aged 2, my older daughter has therefore lost a sister too.”

That woman – because somehow I think of her as a woman even though, in all probability, it could be a man – really got to me. It’s not because I pity her because I don’t. If anything, I admire her for dealing with the suicide of her sister and the death of her toddler daughter and yet still believing in the beauty of life and donating £5 to a stranger raising £2,000 for Winston’s Wish.

I don’t know her and I have no way of knowing her, yet I feel a connection to her, just as I do with the other 47 people who have put their hand in their pocket and stumped up so much more than the £1 in my original fundraising plea.

Knowing that I’m now past the halfway mark thanks to them is humbling and heart-warming and inspiring at the same time.

Strangely, they’re also the people I would feel quite comfortable talking to about my brother and that’s a huge deal because, while I write about my brother and suicide on here, it’s not something I talk about with everyone.

In fact, there are some people I resolutely refuse to talk to and they’re the ones who were absent from my life for the best part of three years, dismissing my grief as nothing unusual. “I’m sure you’re feel better soon” one wrote. Or ‘I know how you feel. I’m awake most nights as well because the baby is keeping me up.”

They are also the ones who have never commented on my brother’s suicide beyond the first month or ever mentioned this blog to me and yet expect our friendship to carry on as before.

I used to feel guilty about having downgraded our relationship. But now I know that’s not true. These days, I refuse to be surrounded by anyone other than the people I choose.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that it’s time to put the focus back on me and I already know what the first thing will be.

Next May, I’m going to check back into the holiday barn for complete rest and relaxation.

And after having walked 30 miles for Winston’s Wish and raised £2,000 in the process, it will be more than justified.