“SO Debbie McGee. What was it that first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?”

The classic Mrs Merton question leads rather neatly into our feature today about the confusion surrounding how the likes of Russell Brand and Ashley Cole manage to attract – and keep – beautiful women happy.

Fame helps, money too, although if you ever watch Ashley when he’s with Cheryl, the two are clearly not making him very happy.

So what do women really want?

One recent survey says our local lasses want a man who is strong, masculine and manly. A man who isn’t a preening, plucked, fake-tanned shy and sensitive type who takes quality time out for male grooming and watching Pride and Prejudice on DVD.

So ladies, let me get this straight.

You are looking for a bloke who’s loud, over-confident and whose chat-up line on the dance-floor might be: “You don’t sweat much for a fat lass.”

Almost 90 per cent prefer the ‘fuller-figured male’ presumably wearing a replica football shirt stretched over that bulging torso.

What’s more, almost 50 per cent would like to spend some quality time with a man who has a face like coarse grade sandpaper and the subtle touch of a cheese grater.

Good grief gents, this could be the perfect opportunity for anyone out there who supports Leeds United or who happens to be Desperate Dan from The Dandy...