SO it has come to this. After allegations this month about Formula 1 and footballers diving, we now have another sport defying skulduggery. Conkers.

Friday sees the start of the International Conkers Tournament in Britain and the organisers have introduced measures to stop cheats. Would you believe there will be frisking at the door and all conkers must be supplied by the committee after being drilled and strung?

I have no time for cheats in any sport, though must own up to claiming in 1962 that my fine vinegar-soaked, oven-baked conker was a 999-er even though Cesspool Smith pointed out that it looked suspiciously pristine for such an old warhorse. The playground dispute was settled after it shattered on first blow, leaving Jug-Ears Jones the proud owner of an undisputed 1,000-er. But that is all history.

Today, when you hear the organisers of this year’s international conkers tournament say that they have to watch out for hollowed-out shells filled with araldite and bogus conkers made from mahogany you start to wonder whatever happened to simple, innocent fun.

The news that a footwear check is also required, as well as DNA testing to confirm the source of conkers, makes it sadly clear that even our most cherished eccentric activities are being taken too seriously.

Today sees the start of the Official UK Air Guitar Championships further down the coast.

Let’s just hope no devious strutter hides a Fender Stratocaster down his trousers on entering… and starts playing for real.