I VERY nearly choked to death on my cornflakes when I heard the news. It must have been an April fool, I thought, but sadly, on checking the calendar, I realised it was no practical joke.

No, Harriet Harman, our Women and Equalities Minister, was deadly serious when she brought in this nonsense new law.

A new law that means calling a barmaid "love" or "darling" could be grounds to get you done for harassment and make you pay your victim (the poor, no doubt scarred recipient of the affectionate term) oodles of compensation.

Oh dear, I thought. And the news didn't get any better.

On top of this the government announced that complying with these new laws was likely to cost businesses more than £10 million.

Now the last time I checked, we were enduring a period of economic turmoil.

Small businesses and the average Joe/Jane had less cash in their pocket than in the history of mankind. And pubs in Britain were closing at an unprecedented rate of more than 50 a month.

Hardly a good time to start bringing in such loony legislation then.

On the back of Miss Harman's new laws, lawyers have advised the likes of pubs, shops and gyms to put up signs informing customers that "harassment is not tolerated" if they are to guard against the risk of compensation claims. This is getting ridiculous.

Next my conflakes will come with a disclaimer warning me not to eat whilst watching Miss Harman announce new legislation on television.

Of course with this new law the interpretation has been that it'd mainly be men who have to watch where their flirtatious chatter is taking them.

Let's be honest, nobody really thinks blokes will be suing for getting chatted up by a woman.

However, don't think you're safe girls, because when this legislation kicks in on Sunday, you'll have to be careful who you're being nice to as well.

In fact, had the law already been in effect, I'd have had grounds to sue one of Bournemouth's barmaids when I went for a cheeky pint in town yesterday.

She had the audacity to sleazily ask: "What can I get you darlin'?"

I felt abused.

So how did this ridiculous law come about in the first place?

Well, last year the High Court ruled that we didn't meet the laws of European directives when it came to sexual harassment.

So, using a statutory instrument, which doesn't have to go through Parliament, Miss Harman sneaked the new law onto our shores from Brussels.

Difficult to believe this isn't a sign of things to come with the new Treaty, which Gordon Brown decided we didn't need a referendum on.

But that's a different story.

So on Sunday, when the new harassment law comes into effect, life in Britain will yet again be slightly poorer off.

For many people, three of the best things you can do simultaneously are to go down the pub, smoke a few fags and flirt outrageously with the opposite sex.

Last year smokers lost the right to light up in pubs and as of Sunday everyone will have essentially lost the right to chat each other up, or use terms such as "gorgeous", "love" or "darling".

However, the laws have yet to kick in, which means I'm well within my rights to say "excuse me Miss Harman, but I don't think a lot of your new law, darlin'."

  • It's been announced that the BBC has spent £150 million buying the rights to show Formula One.

"Joy", I hear you cry.

Bernie Ecclestone has described it as an "exciting time for Formula One", but who is he trying to kid?

Yes, the championship might be more open than it has been since Michael Schumacher was born, but sitting through an entire race is still like watching your nails grow.

Overtaking is celebrated like New Year's Eve, and let's face it, the latter comes around more often.

Electronic driver aids took the fun out of Formula One long ago - it's got to be time to go back to the primitive.

Hopefully then people will stop fighting over coverage and start fighting over positions.