AGONY ADVICE: What should I do about this affair?

WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS AFFAIR?

I hope you can help me, as I have a problem with a married man I have been seeing for three years. Two years ago, he promised to separate, but there are always reason why he hasn’t or can’t do this. And he’s still not done it.

READ MORE: Agony advice - my husband has never loved me

I have an eight-month-old baby from him. I have asked him to leave me alone, but he doesn’t. He looks for me and comes to see me in the house. I don’t know what to do.

FIONA SAYS: IS HE HARASSING YOU?

Your letter is very short and has little detail about your situation, so it’s rather difficult for me to recommend a course of action. One thing I will say though is, if you have asked this man to stay away from you and he continues to visit, you might consider talking to the police.

In the meantime, refuse to speak to him if he calls, and simply close the door. If he has a key then change the locks. It should be clear to you by now that he has no intention of ever leaving his wife - married men are often reluctant to break up a marriage after an affair, even if there’s a baby involved.

MY EX HUSBAND IGNORES OUR SONS

My first marriage ended badly two years ago. My ex-husband was a selfish man, who put his own needs above his family. He was cold, miserable, and rarely showed affection - but what really hurt was the way he all but ignored his two sons. He never spent any time with them, except to tell them off, and it always fell to me to look after them and pick up the pieces.

When he left, I was glad to see him go, and I saw nothing of him for about 18 months. However, he’s now moved into a house nearby and we see him out and about a lot. It seems he’s re-married and now has a stepson. What really galls me is that he spends a lot of time happily playing football in the local park with his stepson, something he never did with his real sons.

My sons see him too, but he never even acknowledges them, and I am sure this must be upsetting for them.

I am now in a new relationship and my new partner is everything my ex wasn’t: caring, loving and great with my boys, who think the world of him.

So why can’t I simply ignore my ex’s behaviour with his new family? How do I get over this, and what the heck do I say to my boys?

FIONA SAYS: DON’T BLAME YOURSELF

Please don’t blame yourself or your sons for your ex’s inability to be a decent, loving husband and father to you and them. The failure here was his. As is it his failure now to not even acknowledge his sons when he sees them. He may seem like a happier, changed man, but these actions still seem selfish and cold to me.

I know he harmed you and that it is probably very hard to forgive

The trickier issue is what to do about your boys. They may just need space to process their feelings. If they seem to be struggling though, you may find it helpful to contact Family Lives.

Email help@askfiona.net for advice.