Hello and welcome to The "Wednesday 18th March" Awards

The following prizes are not a structured feature; nor do they necessitate a lavish, recession-deepening ceremony to be broadcast the world over, featuring the glitz and glamour of multi-millionaire airheads and dominated by suits full of bugger all.

Unlikely to be revised periodically, they are simply a concise, and hopefully relevant, list of thoughts made by someone who writes things.

Please feel free to: a) Share the same sentiments, b) Form opinions of a wholly contrasting nature, or c) Click the “Back” arrow of your web browser (all vote now). OK, now begin…

> Worst Song To Cover When Raising Money For A Good Cause:

“Just Can’t Get Enough” (originally of Depeche Mode fame)

Featuring vocals reminiscent of an opium-ridden Ian Curtis, you’d be excused for confusing the original with a monotone Gregorian choir familiarising itself with a Casio CA-100, stumbling upon the “Play Demos” button, and unable to find the off switch (simply unplugging the device, although a possibility, would somewhat weaken this metaphor).

Whatsmore, one big high-up boss man then decides to gather the support of several other big high-up boss men in re-hashing the atrocity for a national fund-raising event based entirely on good humour and having fun – I thought sarcasm was the lowest form of wit?

> Worst Artist To Have Cover The Abovementioned Song -

“The Saturdays” (they’re a girl group apparently…)

From where might this unworthy calamity have crawled?

t took Boyzone and Girls Aloud years before they were bestowed the honour of representing popular music at our bi-annual comedic institution, whereas the “Budget-cat Dolls” are gifted the privilege on a lustrous, 8-month old, Fairy-clean plate.

Still, the two that used to be in S Club Juniors once-upon-a-time probably didn’t want to pass up on the “We have industry contacts from when we used to be famous before so we can be famous again because that’s how it works” opportunity handed to them on an even shinier platter.

Ronan must be seething.

> Strangest Comeback -

“Michael Jackson”

It seems that the (Jonathan) King Of Pop must be feeling the global economic pinch too, as his management team decides it time to dig up the remains of a decaying memory, see how much of it still looks a little bit like a former career, and then rebuild the rest around it; an affair comparable only to “Tony Robinson does the Six Million Dollar Man”.

Despite this, the gentleman is a born entertainer, draws appreciation from fans of many different genres of music, and has even been known to write his own songs.

With even the most devout of rock, jazz, classical and bluegrass enthusiasts snapping up tickets instantly, Jacko’s impending 50-show stint at the O2 Arena is sure to prove historically significant.

Nice one Michael!

> Least Rational Interview Attire

“Chris Lowe” (The Pet Shop Boys)

This 80’s electro duo have seen it all, having released nine UK Top 10 studio albums, enjoyed thirty-nine UK Top 20 singles, and even been run over by Eminem and Dr Dre’s car in Marshall Mathers’ song “Can I Bitch”!

However, since their propulsion back into the media spotlight following this year’s “Outstanding Contribution to Music” achievement at the BRITs, keyboardist Mr Lowe still appears to persist in donning hat and shades every time the pair give an interview.

Come rain or shine, indoors or outdoors, he can be seen slumped next to Neil saying next to nothing, masked by matching baseball cap and rimmed sunglasses of a colour-coordinated nature.

Each media appearance brings with it a brand new set of head-based frills, yet the same inimitably unconcerned silence.

Maybe a fifty-sixth single chart entry will cheer him up a bit?