So this year's BRIT nominations have been collated, nurtured, and thrown into the wild to fend for themselves; now at the mercy of remorseless journos, conceited critics and...erm...opinionated bloggers.

However, a quick glance at this latest batch of gong-seekers does evoke the following morsels of puzzlement:

1) Where's Rihanna in the 'Best International Female' category?

2) Why is Gabriella Cilmi's minimal chart success nominated over Rihanna, with her numerous collabs and releases?

3) Who's Beth Rowley?

4) Does Rhianna's album re-issue not deserve a mention over 'The Fleet something-or-others'?

5) Besides perhaps sleep and eat, what did the Pet Shop Boys actually outstandingly contribute last year? (Even their Wikipedia entry mentions nothing of 2008...)

Answers on a postcard.

You've probably now mentally labelled me as some form of closet Rihanna obsessor-stalker type person, always spelling her name perfectly ('i' before 'h'...), complete with wardrobe shrine and eBay-purchased lock of hair. You'd be wrong (honest).

Truthfully, her music is probably just as frowned upon in my opinion as that of any of the other aforementioned forerunners of modern aural dross (this is obviously only a generalisation with a number of inevitable exceptions, just for the record...), although I do believe in credit where credit is due.

Miss 'Umbrella' was clearly a huge success in 2008, and so inevitably deserves a certain amount of recognition (ition, ition, eh, eh, eh) for her achievements.

Similarly (and conversely), an undeservedly copious amount of appreciation in any given field, particularly media or celebrity-based, is a grave injustice and insult to the nation.

Cue Mark Ronson.

Although distinctly absent from 2009's nominees list, the last two years or so have seen Ronson impose himself upon mp3 players everywhere with his unique blend of sonic slop and Internet-sourced drum loops. But why such fame?

Maybe it's because he's friends with Lily Allen. Or it might be his impeccable singing abilities. It could even be related to his vibrantly infectious personality comparable only to Gordon Brown's "Eeyore" impression.

Whatever the reason, this guy is now a household name.

Upon further thought, I also realised that I didn't actually know precisely what it is he does for a living...

He doesn't sing or write original material, nor does he churn out masses and masses of club anthems/electronic remixes.

Yet his albums flood the shelves and download stores, as well as people's CD collections.

The obvious assumption would therefore be that this man is a DJ; an assumption flawed only by the fact that DJs only generally spin records in clubs - they don't take other people's hard work, destroy it, draft in a popular vocalist to do their singing bit, and then release the outcome for public consumption, as is the Ronson way.

Having spent many a long, bored hour looking closely at these facts, and any others I could find, I eventually concluded that he must be a music producer; and an incredibly fortunate one at that given the level of mainstream attention he had managed to achieve in such a short space of time (most only ever manage to operate behind-the-scenes).

This theory was fine until last year's BRIT Awards ceremony - Ronson's award acceptance speech contained acknowledgement, praise and his producer.

All feasible roles were almost consumed, until Mr. R made one last-ditch attempt at justifying his own credibility.

The ceremony went on to stage a live performance of his latest single "Valerie" (originally of Zutons fame) - maybe now our highly sought answers would be gifted via the medium of national television?

Ten minutes later, Ronson emerged, guitar around his neck, strumming chords in the presence of Ms Winehouse and an over-paid backing band - a guitar which, to the trained (and possibly untrained) ear, was quite clearly muted in the mix.

And so, our truth was given.

Mark Ronson - noun - DJ, producer and songwriter?


Mark Ronson - noun - Popular musical figure, renowned for reworking/massacring well-known pop hits, miming with a 12-string Gibson SG and putting his name on things.

Slightly on the harsh side? Alternative suggestions welcome.