SMALL earthquake, someone slightly hurt. When it comes to natural disasters, they don't come much bigger than this, not in the UK anyway.

Without wishing to trivialise this in any way, we really do seem to get our knickers in a right twist at the slightest thing these days. Whatever happened to the British stiff upper lip?

Remember the Great Flood of 2007? I'm sure it was no fun for the good folk of Tewkesbury, for example, but it seemed a bit like overkill to have entire teams of BBC reporters, standing in puddles and looking concerned Bill: "Now over to Trevor in Wales. Just how terrified are people there, Trev?"

Trevor: "Well, Bill, very. As you can see, it's stopped raining at the moment, but this could be brief lull in the catastrophe. If we get a monsoon-like downpour, that lasts for days, then the river might break its banks and hundreds of pounds worth of belongings could be washed away, resulting in a drawn-out insurance claim, with lots of form-filling."

Bill: "Thanks Trev, stay safe. Now over to Emma in Gloucestershire. What's the latest on the crisis there, Em?"

Emma: "Well, Bill, the feeling here, I'm sure, is one of sheer horror and moisture. Only a few moments ago, I saw a postman whose socks were absolutely drenched."

Bill: "Cheers Em babe, now let's head across to East Anglia, where a cow's stuck in a field "

No, Bill, let's reach for the remote-control and turn over. Why, what's this, on 24-Hour Round-the-Clock Up-to-the-Minute Newswatch?

Charlie, looking worried on comfy sofa, alongside Katie, furiously batting eyelashes behind big specs: "And now let's go up to Scotland where Carol has the latest severe weather warning, the first since, well, I think it was yesterday, wasn't it Carol?"

Carol (swaddled in multi-coloured scarf and bright pink duffel coat, cowering beneath slightly-swaying umbrella): "That's right, Charlie. It's blowing a hoolie, as they say up in these parts. Why, a roof tile has even come off one of the houses, narrowly missing a sheep just a few hundred yards away."

Charlie: "Now give it to us straight, Carol, just how tragic could this disaster be?"

Carol: "Well, winds could well whip up to 40 or even 50mph, which would mean people should be very wary indeed of hitching the caravan to the back of the car and then driving across a bridge. And, if it snows, why, the whole country will grind to a standstill, and there might even be shortages of essential foodstuffs, such as sun-dried tomatoes."

Charlie: "Thanks Carol, it looks as though your hair's a bit tousled and perhaps you should get back to the safety of the hotel, where you're staying at licence-payers' expense.

"Coming up in the programme... the latest on Britney Spears' breakdown we've got Doctor Ethel on the sofa to tell us what to do if you know a celebrity who's about to have a breakdown and your emails on the Great Drought of Droylesdon, where traumatised residents are now just days away from a possible hosepipe ban... plus, we'll be asking exactly who is to blame."

Kate (peeking demurely at camera from beneath expensive fringe): "That's right, Charlie. and I'll be reporting on the Baftas Frock Horror, where Sadie, Mischa and Kylie all showed up in the same dress!"