FAST approaching my 81st natal day, and still, I think, in full possession of my faculties, I have inadvertently discovered a cheap, quick and effective way for doctors and relatives of seniors to determine their mental and physical health.

Purchase a box of those three-in- non-bio washing machine tablets with the reinforced child safety lock for the person to be tested, and see how long it takes them to gain entry.

I bought such a pack last Friday, and a week later, despite my spending a ridiculous amount of time and energy every day since, trying to gain access to the treasures contained therein, the blue and white plastic box sits, virgo-intacta, on my kitchen counter, malevolently mocking my futile attempts to do so – as the pile of clothing waiting to be washed threatens to bury me.

I have so far restrained myself from attacking the plastic ‘safe’ with a hammer, as that would be admitting defeat. But I just don’t know how much longer I can hold out.
Help!

ROBERT READMAN
Norwich Avenue West, Bournemouth