A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE

There are two types of partridge in England – the English grey and the French red-legged variety. There is a possibility of seeing them in the Dorset area but I didn’t think it was fair to get a farmer to shoot or trap one as their numbers are declining. Luckily I discovered a breeder who sells 16-week-old partridge poults for £4.60 each and chicks for £1.20 each. Hatching eggs are even more of a bargain at 18p each. All I’d need is someone’s broody hen to hatch it out for me. Result! Oh, and not forgetting the pear tree. You can pick up a two-year-old one for about £30.

Partridge in a pear tree = £30.18 Hurrah! One down, 11 to go.

TWO TURTLE DOVES

You’re more likely to hear the soft purring of a turtle dove than see one. It is the UK’s smallest dove and is a summer visitor mainly to south and east England. Like the partridge, their numbers are also declining. Rather than scouring open wooded farmland and hedgerows I found a tame pair for sale priced £40 on a bird trading website.

Two turtle doves = £40

THREE FRENCH HENS

The Maran is a fairly common French breed and comes in a choice of colours. It’s the typical fat hen you see on the front of greeting cards. As well as being handsome and docile, it lays amazing big brown eggs. There are plenty of poultry breeders in the area. You can pick up a trio of a cockerel and two hens (which a local fancier told me is the perfect set-up for those starting out) for about £40.

Three French Hens = £40

FOUR CALLING BIRDS

The four “calling” birds in the song were originally “colly” birds. Colly means black and comes from the old word for coal, so the four birds are, in fact, blackbirds. Under the Wildlife and Countryside Act it is illegal to take any wild birds or their eggs. The closest I could find were tame Mynah birds from a store in Manchester (who courier anywhere in the UK) for £169.99 each Four calling birds = £679.96 FIVE GOLD RINGS Now for the five gold rings. Franses Jewellers in Bournemouth said: “A simple gold band in 18 carat gold would be around £300 each.”

Five gold rings = £1500

SIX GEESE A-LAYING

According to goose farmer Pamela Coleman, at Hewish Farm, near Milton Abbas, you’d need fowl at least a year old for them to be mature enough to lay eggs. And technically they only lay between the end of February and the end of June, so the geese a-laying in December is a myth (unless you use an artificial light which I was told could get things moving). Hewish Farm doesn’t generally sell live birds at this time of year, but were they to do so, the birds would be priced at the oven-ready weight of £10.20 a kilo. So an average sized five kilo bird would cost £51.

Six geese a-laying = £306

SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING

The classic white “mute” swans in the wild on open water are the Queen’s, so they’re out of bounds. Other species, and those owned by individuals, are not Her Majesty’s. I found black swans available to buy online for £115 each.

Seven swans a-swimming = £805

EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING

In this modern day and age, you have to take into account breakthroughs in technology, and hand-milking has been sadly replaced by machine. An enamelled single cow portable milking machine from a company on the Isle of Wight includes everything you need to milk a single cow. Enamelled portable milking trolley, 30-litre stainless steel milk can, pulsator, cluster assembly and tubing – with free delivery. Who needs a rosy-cheeked maid when you have all that for just £1020? But remember you’ll need eight of them.

Eight maids a-milking = £8160

NINE LADIES DANCING

Wessex School of Dancing, covering the Bournemouth and Poole area, offer modern tap, jazz and ballet lessons for all ages. Principal Sue Hill would be happy to put forward nine young ladies as students of the school for £150 an hour. This would include all expenses and costumes (she ‘has a wardrobe full’) depending on the style of dance. If you’d like to see them in action, the dancers are performing today (December 7) in Broadstone’s Christmas parade.

Nine ladies dancing = £150

TEN LORDS A-LEAPING

To get 10 lords a-leaping in one fell swoop I contacted the House of Lords.

While members do not receive a salary, they are allowed to claim a daily allowance for attending a sitting of the House and/or committee proceedings which is £300 per day. As to whether they would leap, a Parliamentary spokesman suggested I contact individual peers. But considering the average age of members is 69, I wondered how many would step forward with gusto.

10 lords a leaping = £3,000

ELEVEN PIPERS PIPING

Robert Walker, who lives near Dorchester, has more than 30 years’ experience playing the great highland bagpipe. To hire him for a Dorset function (which could include a Christmas gift of piping) would be around £100 for an hour’s work.

He explained: “For 11 pipers you would need to hire a pipe band which starts at around £800.”

11 pipers piping = £800

TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING

The world-renowned Bournemouth Symphony Orchestra offered 12 timpani drummers for one night for £1,440 which doesn’t include travel /expenses or booking fee. (Probably best to make it a round £2,000, then.) (You can see the BSO at Lighthouse, Poole at their Christmas Starts Here concert on December 14 at 3pm, as well as Handel’s Messiah on December 18 at 7.30pm).

12 drummers drumming = £2,000

12 days grand total = £17,511.14

Hmm, a tad pricey, but if this exquisite round-up doesn’t get your true love eating out of your hand then nothing will.

Now, where’s that wrapping paper?