Just flights of fancy... or what?

5:52pm Wednesday 14th May 2008

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IF little green men are reading this, I apologise. I don't believe you exist. The only aliens I've come across lately are friendly ones from Eastern Europe.

There are, of course, other creatures on Earth with weird hues. They are the humans with red faces who have, sheepishly, reported UFO sightings and suffered derision they don't deserve.

The MoD has just released eight of more than 150 files containing sightings of alien craft. Many by intelligent, sensible people.

I don't eliminate the possibility of some other life form out there but I would argue that the odds against it resembling anything remotely recognisable, or of aliens building flying objects that you or I might closely encounter, must be a million Martian Beans to one. Surely life forms from space are more likely to be viruses than magnificent green men in their flying machines? Curious things may be seen in our skies but are much more likely to have a military (or planetary) explanation rather than a paranormal one.

Still, you can only trust your own eyes and I admire the courage of people who report UFO sightings. I can't help thinking that if I saw a UFO and reported it, many fellow Earthlings would pillory me, thinking I had been captured, taken on board and had my brain removed. And that isn't fair. Never mind. UFO-sighters can always join the conspiracy theorists in believing we doubters know something's out there but are sneakily spreading disinformation.

(Reminder to myself: "Phone home, EP.") What's more, UFO-spotters should take comfort in safety in numbers. A survey revealed that no fewer than 29 per cent of people in Britain believe aliens from outer space have visited Earth.

If they're right then I'm a three-eyed barking bunny called Flob from the Planet Glob.

Which, I fear, the editor already suspects.