A different species (From Bournemouth Echo)

A different species

7:00pm Monday 25th January 2010

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BRITAIN and America are two nations divided by a common language, said George Bernard Shaw... or was it Winston Churchill? Either way, it was a bloke.

Now had it been a woman speaking, there’s a pretty good chance she may not have been quite as succinct.

And that’s not me being sexist (why, perish the thought!) but the theory of Jean Hannah Edelstein, the 28-year-old American author of Himglish and Femalese.

She says men tend to communicate in a brief and straightforward manner, while women use more metaphorical language, and often communicate in a roundabout way.

Hey, lady, tell me something I didn’t already know – although, I suppose, if you did, I’d end up getting the wrong end of the stick.

That Venus and Mars analogy doesn’t even begin to describe the discrepancy, in my experience. After all, at least they’re in the same universe.

At this point I would like to say that any observations I may make are not based on a real person – this is because I value what remains of my ageing body.

But, just to be clear, there is a huge gender-based-lost-in-translation scenario going on here.

For example, why is it that women can spend an hour on the phone with someone they’ve arranged to meet up with later that day?

Do women seriously think men are happy to spend hours talking about wallpaper, curtains and carpets?

Well, we’re not. All we need to know is that whatever women choose (and they always choose) is cheap and easy to put up (or down, as the case may be).

Here’s another thing – shoes. We need a brown pair, a black pair, some trainers and possibly golf shoes. That’s it. End of discussion.

Other subjects we don’t want to talk about – feelings, medical stuff, TV soaps, what we’re having for dinner and where to go on holiday.

Men are not programmed to think further than half an hour into the future – unless it’s coming up with an excuse why we can’t visit Aunty Mabel a week on Saturday because it clashes with the big game.

And, on the day of the visit, when you say, “but we didn’t discuss it”, just remember, we did have a full and frank exchange of views – it’s just that you misinterpreted our grunts and harrumphs.

Ms Edelstein advises women, instead of saying: “You don’t listen to me”, to suggest instead, “We need to listen to each other more.”

She may be on to something there, but only if the bloke’s listening in the first place...

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