It's hair today, goon tomorrow (From Bournemouth Echo)

It's hair today, goon tomorrow

7:00pm Sunday 5th July 2009

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THE onset of middle age can do a lot of different things to a man.

It can persuade him to wear driving gloves or admire knitted jumpers worn by his peers in pubs or restaurants.

It can make him believe dancing is simply a series of small, shuffling steps from left to right with minimal movement of any other body part.

It can even provoke an entirely mistaken belief that a beer belly is both cuddly and attractive.

With me, it’s hair in all the wrong places.

I don’t know what it is with advancing years, but it seems to be accelerating the progression of hair from both my ears, nose and eyebrows.

Thankfully, I have yet to start shaving my ears like some middle-aged orang-utan, but surely my time to boast about having bald lobes must be running out.

When I had longer hair, I would wake up in the morning and look like Animal, the drummer from The Muppet Show.

These days, my face looks as if it has received electro-shock therapy treatment in the night.

My wife, aware I was becoming ready to audition for the starring role in I Was A Middle-Aged Werewolf, decided a battery-operated nose trimmer was the answer and – as a joke, she still maintains – stuck one in my Christmas stocking.

Unlike many celebrities, I am very unsure of sticking something up my nose which could potentially damage it.

My forays into Amateur Nose Hair Trimming have so far been cautious affairs which usually only serve to rip out those protruding hairs which are so long that they could be converted into plaits.

But I do accept there is no greater turn-off for a woman than seeing a man standing before a mirror with a whirring metal implement shoved up his nasal passage.

My eyebrows, however, are wild, says my wife, although looking at them, they look far angrier than that.

My wife’s answer was to pluck them out with tweezers, an act of such intense sadism it is hard to remember the last time I screamed so loudly.

How on earth can women face removing “unsightly” body hair if the hell they have to go through comes close to the agony I had to suffer for fully 10 minutes?

Clearly, my wife was enjoying every moment – especially the bits when I was curled up writhing on the floor clutching a throbbing temple and yelling loudly.

Still, if the Indian bloke pictured here can make a living out of it, there’s a pain-free way out of this agony yet...

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