MY biggest fan (to be honest, my only fan) said why don't I write another column about my war with the machines.

This is not a reference to my Terminator-like qualities, but has more to do with me buying useless bits of equipment.

Those who regularly read this column (that's my biggest fan, then) will remember that I wrote an article about how machines conk out on me.

My biggest fan said he was sure that I've bought more rubbish in the meantime. And he's right.

So in TV terms here's the sequel to an extremely entertaining series of er...two.

Now, I've never got on with vacuum cleaners. My last one didn't know whether to suck or blow. So my latest is a marked improvement as it does suck. In all senses of the word.

It has two main settings. On one extreme it sounds like a jet engine. If it's attached to anything it won't let go. It feels like it's trying to suck the whole house into the bag.

On the other setting, nothing happens. It's like someone blowing on you on a swelteringly hot day. It has zero effect.

In the end, I try for something in the middle. Unfortunately, that means it takes four hours to clean the house. And I haven't even touched the west wing.

I had slightly more luck with my microwave. The door decided to jam shut just a few days before the year's guarantee ran out.

But to beat the deadline I had to get a new microwave on a Saturday. A SATURDAY LUNCHTIME.

I think Noel Coward wrote a song called Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday Saturday.

Because you have to be truly bonkers to go shopping during those hours.

The roads are jammed, the shops are full. It's my version of hell.

To get to the shop I had to go through a town centre and onto a retail park. I spent the usual half-an-hour fighting for a parking space before finding one.

Then I realised why no-one was using it.

Although you could just about drive into it, you couldn't open the doors. And I had a huge microwave on the back seat.

Somehow I managed to manoeuvre it out of the car and carry it over some building works to get to the store.

After finding there was no-one available from the store to carry it to the back of the shop, I then spent some time at customer services.

The first question I was asked was had I moved house since buying the machine as they didn't have my address on the data base. I've been at my current address for over 10 years.

Suffice to say, I did manage to get home without any further issues.

I've also bought a toaster that doesn't 'feed in' the bread and only toasts small slices and a temperamental washing machine that doesn't like a certain programme.

And I had to replace my landline phones as the battery died halfway through conversations.

Now, not strictly a machine, but I had to replace a loo seat. This was down to "wear and tear".

I don't see how this could have been. After all, I haven't signed up for the Poole Community Toilet Scheme.

Anyhow, a replacement seat was needed. But not a 'bog standard' one (pun intended).

This has an animal picture on it and is a soft close seat.

So that means it takes half an hour before you can sit on it.

I can see the problems that may arise with this in the future. Not least, that the mechanism can break down half way through the procedure. A bit like a mini Twin Sails Bridge, if you will.

If it stays permanently in the "up" position, then I can't sit down on it.

And if I did quickly sit on it not realising where it was, then a trip to A&E would be in order.

TVs, DVD players, laptops and tablets have also bitten the dust over the years.

But one day John Connor (*) will arrive and mankind will be freed from this tyranny.

(* Terminator reference).