ARE you a jay walker?

Perhaps I should be clear and say that I am not talking about a person's name here, but the act of walking irresponsibly.

It's not a term that you hear much in the UK - in fact, some of our younger readers, may not have heard it at all.

But in the USA and a number of other countries it is an offence.

At the moment people can walk about here without paying an attention at all to anything and that's just fine and dandy.

Hurrah you say, that's just how it should be.

But with pavements and roads getting increasingly congested, it's time to have a re-think and put an end to this disturbing practice.

The top jay walker has to be the 'phone watcher'.

This is a person so glued to their phone that they can't see anything else around them.

A herd of ostriches could be on the loose in front of them, but they won't notice.

They invariably have their heads down and hopefully, everybody else will get out of their way.

Then there's the 'slow walker'.

This person is fit and healthy, but for some reason thinks that shuffling along is the way to go.

Their favourite pastime is to get into a crowded town centre and just dawdle for half-an-hour.

If you're stuck behind a 'slow walker' in these circumstances, you have no chance. There is no escape.

It's the pedestrians' equivalent of being stuck in a traffic jam on the M3.

There could be a sudden downpour or an explosion nearby, but that won't get them to change up into 'second gear'.

A personal favourite of mine is the 'sudden stop' perambulator.

Be warned. This person could be walking at any speed in front of you before they come to a halt without any notice whatsoever.

It hasn't dawned on them that anyone could possibly be behind them. Unfortunately, you have to wait for them to think of their next move, otherwise you're sure to collide.

How about the 'criss-crosser'?

This person surely undertakes when they're in a vehicle or crosses three lanes.

And they think they're still in a car when they're walking.

So when they see a gap, no matter how small, no matter how far away, they'll go for it.

The problem is they have no spatial awareness.

And before you know it, someone's going to end up in a heap on the pavement.

And more often than not, it's not them. They've zoomed off into the distance.

Then there's the 'walker with...."

This walker is either carrying something or pushing something.

If your idea of heaven is being hit by a large shopping bag as they furiously swing their arms in a weird motion, then this walker is for you.

Don't forget to say 'sorry' when you're banged on the arm.

Next, we have the 'multiple walkers', split into two distinctive groups.

There's the couples who want to hold hands at all times, so you have to walk into the road.

Then people walking as a group. Again, the road's your only option.

So what's the answer?

Well, it's two-lane pavements.

Just like on the roads, there will be a 'slow lane' and a 'fast lane'.

If you wish to overtake, you have to look behind you, then put your arm out to indicate and if it is safe to do so, cross into the 'fast lane'.

Once this manoeuvre has been completed, you should get back into the 'slow lane' as soon as practicable.

What could go wrong?

Hmm.. hadn't thought of the 'fast lane hogger' causing everybody to undertake them.

Okay, back to the drawing board.

Anyone for a leisurely stroll?