Dorset's only Stretch Hummer really is humbelieveable! (From Bournemouth Echo)

Dorset's only Stretch Hummer really is humbelieveable!

8:10am Monday 15th March 2010 in

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FIRST thought: it’s humungous. Second thought: thank God there are only two other vehicles in the King’s Park lorry park.

And thank heavens, too, that if owner Graham Mitchell has any thoughts about women’s ability to drive big motors, especially ones that are worth as much as a small flat, he’s politely kept them to himself.

His company, Self Limos of St Leonards, is in proud possession of the only Stretch Hummer in this part of the UK and you have to admit, it’s a beauty.

Glossy white and chrome on the outside (as long as two Rollers), inside it’s party central, with its flowing leather bench seats, five flat-screen TVs, smoke machine, lasers, rainbow ceiling lights and a sound system to blow P. Diddy’s ears off.

And now, I’m going to drive it… Horror number one is that it’s automatic: “You don’t want to be worrying about changing gears.” Horror number two: it’s left-hand drive and as there is no passenger seat, Graham is sitting in the back. But with his calm instructions: up, down, left a bit, right – and that’s only to adjust the seat and the steering wheel – we’re into Drive and off.

Because Graham’s Hummer is compliant with the latest strict COIF regulations (Certificate of Initial Fitness for vehicles carrying more than eight passengers) it’s actually much easier to drive than I’d thought and has a better turning circle than my own car.

“Before the COIF changes we’d have to seriously check routes, ensure we could negotiate certain streets and roundabouts but the way this has now been configured makes it much easier,” he says.

He’s right; within seconds I am positively nipping round the car-park, feeling the immense power of the V8 engine (“Don’t worry, put your foot to the floor”), trying to use the rear-view safety camera, and manoeuvring very well, I’d say, for someone whose family tend to gather round for a laugh, every time I park.

Of course, all this is very different to what Graham does, chauffeuring up to 16 people, many of whom are very excited indeed, round to birthdays, weddings, proms and hen-nights.

What does he like best about it? “Everything! I love driving it, I enjoy the parties, meeting people.”

Liveliest are the hen parties.

“They want you to come in the back with them, kiss them, have a drink, which of course you don’t! No one’s behaved really badly but we have had girls stripping off!”

Like everyone who gets in, they are given a safety talk: no meddling with the emergency hatch in the roof, no hands or heads stuck outside the window, and try to remain seated although: “If we see people moving around we just slow down even more.”

Average speed in town is 15 mph, mainly for safety but also so that people can have a good flaunt. “We’re always being photographed.”

Safety is his prime concern, which is why the firm has its drivers CRB checked for child safety every two years, and why they are fully compliant with all the laws pertaining to stretch limo driving.

But he is also concerned by companies who fail to meet these strictures and especially those who use manufacturers’ photos in their literature. “You should always ask to see any hire car in person before you use it, because some of them can be up to 15 years old.”

Favourite jobs include the gentleman who had a surprise trip with his grandchildren for his 90th birthday (“There was definitely a tear in his eye”), the little girl with leukaemia he took to the pantomime, and the Halloween wedding. “The groom was dressed as Dracula, the bride was a witch and their children were dressed as vampires and witches.

“We’d decorated the car with spiders’ webs and skeletons and after they’d got married and been out to a restaurant, they all went off trick-or-treating!”

Children’s parties are fun, too. “Obviously they can’t have alcohol but we have a special kids’ champagne which looks and sounds like the real thing.”

And of course, all drinks in the car are served out of polycarbonate glasses.

As we bowl majestically round the car park one more time, I can see, despite its nightmare 7 mpg petrol consumption and its leviathan proportions, why Graham loves his Hummer.

And now I love it too...