HAD a bad night last night, well it probably started yesterday. Because I slept in yesterday morning I took my morning drugs late, then I couldn’t take my lunchtime at lunchtime because it was too early so I ended up forgetting them.

Then I went to bed early so forget my bedtime drugs. That could be why I felt so awful in the night and this morning.

Anyway, Leah had a bad dream for the first time in ages.

She was shouting out for me. I really struggled to get up to her and I felt so cold and shivery.

I managed to settle her and went back to bed.

Ten minutes later she was really screaming ‘Mummy, Mummy, MY MUMMY’.

She was sobbing her heart out. I told her to go and get into my bed.

Of course Megan is now awake wanting to get into my bed too. It’s 2.30am!

I managed to get Meg back to sleep without getting her up, then went to cuddle Leah. She said a baddie had been trying to get her. She went back off to bed quite happily after a cuddle.

It just breaks my heart to hear her wailing for me and knowing that one day I won’t be there to go to her.

I always thought I would want to be at home to die but now I’m wondering if it will be too traumatic for all of us. Me if the girls are upset and I can’t help them and for them to see me deteriorating.

On the other hand if they see me deteriorating then accepting my death may be easier for them… oh I just don’t know. I just hope that maybe these decisions will be taken out of our hands and the situation will dictate what happens.

Cowardly I know but so much easier than making the wrong decision.

I broke a mirror last night (that little handbag one that Mel gave me on her wedding day).

Anyway just thought how ironic it was that seven years bad luck is actually better than what I’m facing!