HERE we go again; the kids are back at school and so it’s the Stupid Hair Season, a time in which pupils across the land are suspended and sent home for sporting comedy haircuts which they always knew – or suspected – are damn well against their school’s rules.

In Bournemouth we have the sorry tale of Marc Thompson, whose mum evidently sees nothing wrong with allowing her son to go around looking like Jedward.

Meanwhile, in Sheffield, we have schoolgirl Lauren McDowell, who was packed off home for having the side of her hair hacked off and leopard prints dyed into it.

Naturally, instead of threatening her with a clip round the ear for being so stupid and marching her daughter up the hairdresser’s her mum, Yvonne, has been telling anyone who listens that this: “Breaches her human rights.”

Yes, dear.

“No one has the right to tell someone what to do with their body,” she bleats.

Actually, they do. People with long hair inappropriately tied are not allowed to operate certain machinery. They are not allowed to work in the catering industry without having it covered up. And most schools state that pupils’ hair should fit into a certain set of parameters which does not include having it shaved and printed to look like Bet Lynch’s dressing gown.

The saddest thing is that the kind of kids who get involved in this malarkey rarely tend to be of the Professor Stephen Hawking or Hilary Clinton variety. To me, anyway, they usually come across as the sort of children who, educationally and socially, need all the help they can get.

We can’t all send our kids private or even to a posh state grammar school to ensure they have the best start in life. But that means we have to work even harder to help them as much as possible. And one way of doing that is NOT to allow them to go around sporting kind of barnet that makes them look like they don’t have enough brain cells to put on the end of a teaspoon and missing school into the bargain.

These kids may be brilliant, funny, clever and kind. But the world is run by grumpy 40-and-50-somethings, who tend to think that anyone who looks like Jedward, or Bet Lynch’s dressing gown, is too much trouble to employ or pay a decent wage to. And THAT is the real shame of it.

Charlotte Proudman is just joyless 

IN CASE you hadn’t heard, Charlotte Proudman is the barrister who ‘outed’ another (older, male) member of her profession for commenting on her ‘stunning picture’ on a social networking site.

‘I find your message offensive,’ snapped Charlotte. ‘Think twice before sending another woman (half your age) such a sexist message.’

It’s her prerogative, of course. But Charlotte, you won’t be surprised to hear, is a fresh-faced 27. So may I, as an ancient old feminist, assure her that when she is 47 – or even older – her response to such a pleasantry will not be so vicious. It will be along the lines of: ‘Why thank-you!’ And silent gratitude that someone, somewhere, still reckons she looks fit; the joyless mare.

Hurricane Faith gets my vote 

PRESUMABLY to distract us from its noticeable lack of success at actually predicting them (Hello Michael Fish) the Met Office has asked the public to think of suitable British names for British storms, to make us take more notice of them.

Obviously Hurricane Faith is the best name but I’m not sure it’s going to work. After all, how much prep would you do to if you heard that Hurricane Doris, Hurricane Sophie and Hurricane Rodney were about to hit?

PS Or maybe it’s just a climate change plot to convince us we’re all going to be blasted off the face of the nation by the sort of thing my granny always referred to as ‘a bit of weather’.

Jamie's latest venture is load of old polenta

AFTER porking up, somewhat, Jamie Oliver reckons he’s shed two stone by ‘eating more’, and gone on to list what that ‘more’ consists of: nuts, seeds, herbs, seaweed, zzzzz Yes, he’s gottabookout. Another one. And, if you are even tempted lash out on his latest load of old polenta, it will be your brains, not your weight, which you should be worrying about.

My message to you misery-guts 

TO all those misery-guts who used the Queen’s record-breaking reign – she’s now our longest-serving monarch – to deride her and the institution I say these two words: President Blair. Horrible, isn’t it?

A hard heart to melt 

SOME sycophant has speculated that Samantha Cameron’s visit to a Syrian refugee camp is what ‘melted her husband’s heart’ over allowing in more of these desperate people.

If any of this is true it must be a devilishly hard heart to melt. She went there two years ago.

Please note: This piece by Faith is an opinion piece and not a news report. You can contact Faith by tweeting @HerFaithness