IF DAVID Cameron says next week that he’s going to round up all the Calais migrants and personally drive them home, don’t be surprised.

It’s holiday time - he’ll say anything to get the media off his back for a few weeks while he, Sam and the kiddies go on just the reported three jaunts over the summer.

British MPs are now officially on their holidays, too, Which means the vast majority are thinking about wine and Tuscany and getting away from the great unwashed. Not worrying that Kent keeps turning into the world’s biggest lorry park, that tonnes of food are being chucked away because of contamination, and that human beings are mouldering in a stinking, third-world style camp on our doorstep.

The stark truth which no one will admit is that the migrants add up to about 5,000 people. Quite a bit less than the 900,000 and counting the hospitable Jordanians have welcomed to their kingdom. Rather than deploy dogs and soldiers and fencing across the channel to repel them it would be much cheaper just to let them in. But the politicians can’t say that because they know the public won’t wear it so they come out with nonsense plans to stop them coming by announcing that: ‘The streets of Britain aren’t paved with gold.’ But that’s the thing, isn’t it?

Compared to the filthy, poverty-stricken, religion-obsessed hellholes these people come from, where little girls are being raped and sold by militant Islamists, where you are chucked off buildings for being gay, where corruption is a way of life, we must resemble paradise.

In Britain, even if you are a foreign rapist who entered the country illegally you are entitled - under our lovely European Human Rights Act - to stay, claiming benefits and being housed at the public expense. And having your legal challenges taxpayer-funded.

If, like Cheryl Brooks, 45, of Manchester - a home-grown scrounger who defrauded £36,000 in benefits and travelled the world - you get caught, you don’t even get sent to prison or asked to pay the money back.

And if you are a banker the streets are not only paved with gold but platinum and diamonds too - you can defraud this country for billions by rigging the Libor rate or miss-selling PPI or slicing and dicing dodgy mortgage debt in the sure and certain knowledge that there is almost zero chance of being asked to pay it back, even if you are unlucky enough to get your collar felt.

So the idea of telling would-be migrants that we are not a soft-touch is never going to take off because too many of us know we damn well are.

It’s often said that we cannot take everyone who wants to come here and however much we want to help, that’s sadly true.

But if we weren’t obliged to run an open-door policy for Europeans who don’t like living in their own country, if we weren’t obliged to bend over backwards to accommodate behaviour and practises that seem totally un-British – and which fuel concerns about immigration - I believe we’d have plenty more room and resources to help more refugees and asylum-seekers, as I absolutely believe we should.

Because that’s the funny thing about the UK. We really don’t have the wherewithal to accommodate people who despise us and our ways and who are on the take.

But for grafters, innovators and the broken, exhausted, down-on-their-luck folk who are in urgent need of our help and our care, I believe we have more than enough space and money and compassion, too.

Ted Heath sex abuse allegations

‘IT’S easy to smear people who are not around,’ sniffs Tory MP for Northampton South, Brian Binley, about his good old dead mate, former Prime Minister Ted Heath, who’s been accused of child sex abuse.

Binley’s right. It is easy. But that’s because recent history teaches us that if you make these kind of allegations when people are alive - and I’m not thinking of Heath here - you are at best not believed, you could lose your career or, at worst, as has been alleged in some of these cases, you risk being bumped off.

Kids Company should have rebranded as a bank

IF ONLY Kids Company, the desperately-needed charity that says it helped 16,000 of our least fortunate children had thought to re-brand itself as The Royal Bank of Scotland.

Then, instead of being closed because they needed £3 million of the taxpayers’ money, they could have got £45 BILLION from the Treasury instead! Have our nation’s priorities EVER been so rubbish?

Get brewing

NEWS that sales of my favourite brew – builder’s tea – are down by 22 per cent is troubling indeed. What’s wrong with everyone? Apparently we are all consuming hippy tea; peppermint (yuck), Lapsang Souchong (double yuck) and camomile (Satan’s brew.)

We need a Campaign for Real Beverages; builder’s tea and market trader’s coffee (one spoon of instant and a bit of whole milk, since you ask.) Oh, and champagne. Because you always need that, too.

Cilla was epitome of girl-next-door

WHEN asked about her glittering success, Cilla Black only ever said one thing: “I don’t think I’d have lasted two minutes in this business without Bobby” her adoring husband.

Cilla knew exactly where she had come from and how she got to be the biggest female star on British TV and THAT was her magic. She was the girl next door who married the boy next door and never forgot where she came from or what really made life worth living; family, home and children. RIP Cilla, you were amazing.

Note: This piece by Faith is an opinion piece and not a news report. You can contact Faith by tweeting @HerFaithness